Yesterday... it was one of those days that I just lost it a little bit. It started out great... working out at the gym with a friend, going to lunch with another friend... but quickly went downhill. It's kind of funny now, really... but what kind of mom goes to the middle school to pick up her 8th grader (who is now in junior high?) I got all the way to the office, asked for Tyler, waited for her to find him... then realized my blunder. Yes, I was embarrassed. By the time I got to the junior high to check him out for our dentist appointments, the after-school crowd of cars was there. Tyler's reluctance to go and dilly-dallying didn't help the situation, and we had a 35 minute drive ahead of us to do in 20 minutes. Needless to say, we didn't make it in time... and they couldn't get us both in anymore.
Add to that a huge windshield chip, stupid drivers, and life crap just weighing me down, and I wasn't coping very well. Then... I thought Cooper had to go to a birthday party at 6:00. At 6:10 we're rushing to their door, me thinking "who IS this girl who is late to everything?? It can't possibly be me"... just to find out that the birthday party is
tomorrow. Yes, I think I've reached my quota of feeling stupid in one day for sure. My house was (is) a mess, and I had apricot picking drama added on top of everything else. I might have cried a little... not because my life is so hard or so bad, but because I feel like silly things like this should be easy for me to handle, and I wasn't handling it well.
Finally I sat down and just edited... I knew that one of the stresses weighing me down was the sessions I have coming up (5 more this week)... and knowing that I still had sessions on the editing block was worrying me. It helped... a lot. I loved the little surprises of a great expression, or the light hitting just so. I loved the soothing feeling of going through the photos one at a time, choosing the ones that spoke to me. It lifted some of the weight off to know that I am caught up... for now... but it also made me realize that I have to step back and remember why I do this. Because I love it. Because it is me.
I still felt like a failure as a mom, as a homemaker, as a manager of this family and house. I know we all have days like that (right? tell me you do) but it's not a fun feeling. I daydreamed about running away yesterday. We all do that sometimes (right? tell me you do).
I realized that I'm going to have to quit teaching violin lessons... and I'm so scared to tell my students. How dumb is that? It's my life... but I feel huge guilt about it. Huge.
Well, it's a new day. I'm going to try to keep myself together today and actually be on time to things... and actually get something done in my house.
Who am I kidding? I'm a mess. ;)
13 comments:
I love you all the more for being a mess. I had 2 things to keep track of last week- two- and I totally forgot one of them. Given the complexity of your life and schedule, I think you're leaps and bounds ahead of me. :)
Ya, you are not the only one feeling like this. I totally forgot the boys first soccer practice last Saturday and have now put a big sign reminding me they have a soccer game tonight. I just can't keep everything together these days.
Of course we all fell like that! And you are doing great! Sometimes it all just piles up, we break down for a minute, and then put it all back together. Sounds like you did just that!
Ah the crappy days! So sorry you had to have one. Maybe they keep us grounded, help us sift through the chaff or something. I am sure your violin students with miss you, but you can only do so much. Keep your chin up!
I've felt like that all week! You are such a hard working and amazing person! I actually have to set a timer on my phone so I don't forget my whole day. haha
Im a mess all the time lately it seems like, so no it's not just you. But honestly Mindy you are wonderfull, I promise :)
You are NORMAL!!! YAY!!! I have kids in school all day. I have list sitting on my desk of what I was going to accomplish this week...guess what? I have accomplished NOTHING. Oh to being a mother, daughter, wife, etc...that wants to be perfect!!!
I love that you are willing to put the REAL YOU out here on your blog. I think so many of us only want to display what is perfect or fun....but these are the things that remind us all that we're human...and help us all to appreciate the good that much more. :)
For the record....you're one of my favorite people just the way you are!
Mindy, I love you! I sympathize with your awful day yesterday. Last night I was sobbing on the phone to Matt (who has been out of town flying since Saturday). Some days are just too hard, but the nice things is that you get to start over in the morning. :)
I am positive my kids' teachers are wondering who the heck their spacecase of a mom is...if I am not late picking up, I have forgotten something to send, a note to sign, etc. I feel lame. Lots.
And I completely understand.
LOVE YOU Mindy...and p.s. if that little thing we talked about would only add to the stress and chaos in life, cancel it right out of your mind and I won't think twice about. YOu hear me??
Um, I had a super crappy day(s) last week and I cried in the bathroom for an hour. At least you did something productive to feel better. Giving up teaching is sad, but you have to do what you have to do.
If it makes you feel better, tonight I nearly rented a viola to a girl who wanted a violin. Duh. You'd think I'd know my own instrument after 11 years.
You may be a mess, but you are my mess of a friend and I love you for it! I wish when you had days like that I could magically get some "fun mail" too you to help you have a bright spot in your day. I know your students will miss you but I sure am glad you love doing photography and are not giving that up. Chin up! Tomorrow is a new day, with new chances to screw things up. Hey, we're only human:) and you do a great job at everything you do.
you are making me cry today! i haven't read for awhile...show craziness!...and everything you have written is hitting me right in the heart.
i love you. remember always that we ALL feel these things now and then. we have tremendous amounts of 'stuff' that depends on us and most of it is important stuff that has to do with the most important part of our lives...being a wife and mom. it's ok to feel overwhelmed sometimes! love you.
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