It's Kind of a Funny Thing

 Yesterday... it was one of those days that I just lost it a little bit. It started out great... working out at the gym with a friend, going to lunch with another friend... but quickly went downhill. It's kind of funny now, really... but what kind of mom goes to the middle school to pick up her 8th grader (who is now in junior high?) I got all the way to the office, asked for Tyler, waited for her to find him... then realized my blunder. Yes, I was embarrassed. By the time I got to the junior high to check him out for our dentist appointments, the after-school crowd of cars was there. Tyler's reluctance to go and dilly-dallying didn't help the situation, and we had a 35 minute drive ahead of us to do in 20 minutes. Needless to say, we didn't make it in time... and they couldn't get us both in anymore.

 Add to that a huge windshield chip, stupid drivers, and life crap just weighing me down, and I wasn't coping very well. Then... I thought Cooper had to go to a birthday party at 6:00. At 6:10 we're rushing to their door, me thinking "who IS this girl who is late to everything?? It can't possibly be me"... just to find out that the birthday party is tomorrow. Yes, I think I've reached my quota of feeling stupid in one day for sure. My house was (is) a mess, and I had apricot picking drama added on top of everything else. I might have cried a little... not because my life is so hard or so bad, but because I feel like silly things like this should be easy for me to handle, and I wasn't handling it well.

Finally I sat down and just edited... I knew that one of the stresses weighing me down was the sessions I have coming up (5 more this week)... and knowing that I still had sessions on the editing block was worrying me. It helped... a lot. I loved the little surprises of a great expression, or the light hitting just so. I loved the soothing feeling of going through the photos one at a time, choosing the ones that spoke to me. It lifted some of the weight off to know that I am caught up... for now... but it also made me realize that I have to step back and remember why I do this. Because I love it. Because it is me. 

I still felt like a failure as a mom, as a homemaker, as a manager of this family and house. I know we all have days like that (right? tell me you do) but it's not a fun feeling. I daydreamed about running away yesterday. We all do that sometimes (right? tell me you do). 

I realized that I'm going to have to quit teaching violin lessons... and I'm so scared to tell my students. How dumb is that? It's my life... but I feel huge guilt about it. Huge. 

Well, it's a new day. I'm going to try to keep myself together today and actually be on time to things... and actually get something done in my house. 

Who am I kidding? I'm a mess.  ;)

Back to School... Already

 Some gorgeous woman came to my porch this morning, so I took pictures. Wait! That's Aubrey! When did she turn into a grown up? She said she always looks bad on the first day of school, but I think not. I think she's stunning.

 This is Aubrey's junior year. She's been working all summer, paid for most of her back to school stuff, including her school fees, and she's already into the cross country running season. She's taking pre-calculus, AP English, Seminary, Sports Medicine, Choir, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember. She can't wait until she's 16. Sigh.

 My kids all got nice backpacks this year (I'm sick of 2 months into the year dealing with broken zippers, broken straps, and holes in the bottom of the backpack.) The boys' are LL Bean... guaranteed, baby. Aubrey bought her own.

 Cooper's going to be a 5th grader. He gets to go to the brand spankin' new school for his last year in elementary. It's a big beautiful school. He gets to have 3 different teachers every day... kind of a transition into middle school. His favorite subject is science.

 In the past, Cooper has been super good at making friends and being the kid that everyone in the class just loved. He hasn't been as good at that in the last couple years, so we have a challenge this year. If he makes 10 new friends we're going to have a "good-bye elementary school" party at the end of the year. I think he'll do it.

 One of my favorite things is the night-before-school father's blessings that Brandon gives the kids every year. We always laugh about the wet heads the kids get from dad's tears falling down. The kids all got some great promises and blessings last night. I just know this is going to be a good year for all of them.

 Tyleroni is going to be in Junior High this year... 8th grade. (They have elementary (k-5), then middle school (6-7), then junior high (8-9), then high school here.) He's excited to go, but not excited about where his locker is, and not excited that he narrowly missed being in honors math.

When he heard of the deal I made with Cooper, he decided to go one better. He's going to lose 10 enemies and make 10 friends. They can be the same people, or different people... either way it's a good thing. He's also going to work on getting all A's (my idea) or all A's and maybe a few B's (his idea). Honestly, I'll be fine with that.

Well, there goes another summer, and here comes another school year. I'd have to say that we're ready, although the summer did go by too fast. I sure love my kids, and am so grateful that I get to be a mom to these three totally awesome incredible smart sassy good-lookin' kiddos.

Don't Forget

You are strong.

It might be hard, like a marathon,

but you can do it.

Our New Girl, Cedar

 We went to visit our horse, Cedar, tonight. She needs to move closer to us, but we're still waiting on word about a nearby pasture.

 She didn't seem very interested in getting her picture taken, but I think one of these days she'll get used to it... she'll have to with me around. Who knows... I might even get her to smile.  :)

We went for a little drive afterwards and watched a beautiful rainbow and then a breathtaking sunset.  Oh, how I wish we lived out in the country. At least now we know that dreams do come true... sometimes it just takes a very long time to get there. :)

Summer... Where Did You Go?

 I had so many plans... and now summer's pretty much over. What happened?

I Heart Faces... Beautiful Eyes

My daughter has amazingly beautiful blue eyes... has had them ever since she was born. I did not enhance her eyes specifically in any way in this photo! They are just bluer than blue in real life. :)

Lucky Me

You know what? I'm really really lucky. Blessed. I've had a quite a few friends in my life that are my friends forever... they're like sisters, family... the kind of girl that you know will do anything for you, and will be there for you, even when you're maybe going through a crappy stage.

This girl is one of those. You'd think that I might have to hate Tari a little bit, because she's so gorgeous... but she's as beautiful inside as she is on the outside, so now you know why I can't hate her. Ever. It's funny... with Tari sometimes I feel like the big sister (because I'm just a wee bit... or more... older than she is), but when it comes to lots of things... fashion, home decor, hair, makeup, shopping, and on and on... she's like my big sister. I don't know what I would've done without her over the past couple of years. I've told her things about myself that would make some people not want to be my friend ever again, but she just helps me through it all and gives me a better perspective. I love Tari. I am so so grateful that we're friends.

A Book That Made Me Think

I finished a book late last night... What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. It's been a long time since a book affected me like this one did. I've thought so much about it, even when I wasn't reading at the moment. I cried... okay, even sobbed a little bit. Basically, this woman hits her head, wakes up, and thinks she is 10 years younger and pregnant with her first child. The reality is that she has three children, she's getting a divorce, and her relationship with her sister is strained. She doesn't remember her children... they are strangers to her. She is deeply in love with her husband, and doesn't have any idea how they could be divorcing... anyway, I won't ruin it for anyone, because you might want to read it.

It got me thinking about myself 10 years ago, and what my 26 year old self would think of my life now. 10 years ago I had a little baby... my third. I lived in a sweet little town in Cache Valley, but moving to Idaho was on the horizon. I think there are some things that I would be pleasantly surprised about... wow, I'm a photographer? I run? I teach classes at the gym? Me? No way! I'm the YW president? But perfect people are YW presidents... so I must be perfect. (Ha!) I live in another cute old house? So fun! I'd be pleased that my relationship with Brandon has grown, and that I still love him more than anything. And my kids... I'd be shocked at how big they are, how grown up, how wonderful. I know I never really could picture that happening to me.

I'd be really disappointed in a lot of things too. I didn't learn how to keep a sparkly clean house? Darn it. There are people I love that we hardly speak to each other? How on earth would that happen? (Because back then I thought everyone liked me... why wouldn't they?) I would wonder how I became so cynical and guarded, and wonder how so many things I loved in life had lost their magic. I think I would be a little overwhelmed by my life now.

So, it got me thinking... about how I don't want to lose the good things about my younger self. I don't want to change in negative ways as I get older. Growth and change are good, but going backwards from who I really want to be isn't. I don't know how to fix some of the things that are sad about me now, but I want to... I'd want my 26 year old self to like who I am now in every way. Anyway, lots more to think about... I kind of wish I had written notes to my future self every decade or so. It would be interesting, and possibly depressing to read who I thought I would be. I guess I still could write those notes... and hope my 46 year old self is a lot better than my 36 year old self. :)